it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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