I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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