Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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