he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
