HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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