He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
