Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
