apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
