I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
