Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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