I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
