im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
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