She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
