you guys were way drunker than both of me
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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