Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
