Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
