Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
