Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
