I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
