u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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