Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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