I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize
