Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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