i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
