Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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