ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
