I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
