i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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