According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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