i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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