Soap is not a condiment
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
