I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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