I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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