Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I had to cum in my sink.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
