Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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