Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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