I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
that may or may not have been my penis.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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