I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
