Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize