Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Randomize
