Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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