I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
