You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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