we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Randomize
