I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
