it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Randomize