please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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