You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
