Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
