omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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