I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
